The booze-free me

Today I am 236 days booze free.

A few years ago I could not have fathomed giving up my beloved wine for any extended period of time, despite trying many times. It was my release, it was my freedom, it was my friend. The reckless abandon it would give me meant that I could shut out the world and let off steam, and all my pressures and insecurities would go away. I drank to celebrate and commiserate, when I was happy and sad, when I was stressed and relaxed, when I was on holiday and at home, when I was with people and alone. There was always an excuse to have a drink.

Now when people ask me “How could you possibly give up? I could never do that!”, the reason for me is clear. It’s because it wasn’t about having to do it, it was about wanting to do it. It’s a choice I needed to make, and wanted to make, for me.

You can’t just quit overnight. I had been agonising over the decision for many years. Convincing myself my drinking was a problem, then convincing myself it wasn’t. All the while building ammunition. Recording and recalling all the stupid shit I have ever done while pissed. Revelling in my life’s worst hangovers, which seem to have happened in the last five years.

You see, in order to quit I had to take a good hard look at myself. Was I the person I really wanted to be? Was I achieving what I wanted to in life? Was I happy in the cycle of drink, hangover, guilt, repeat?

Did I truly love myself?

No, I didn’t.

I never considered myself to be an alcoholic, I didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. I didn’t drink every day, I didn’t drink excessively by Australian social standards, I didn’t drink if I was pregnant or driving and a lot of the time I would have a couple, and be completely in control. I was, and still am, a highly-functioning mother, partner and friend. But booze had a hold on me.

You grow tired of thinking about drinking all the time; who with, what for, which poison, when, how, where, was I going to try to set myself a limit, omg I’m so hungover, omg I’ve done it again, and the all-important questions: “Shall we Uber?” and “Shall we get another bottle?”

For me, there was a dilemma which was my downfall, what I like to call the ‘doozie’. They were the binge nights that snuck up on me like a stealth bomber (and bombs they were with the amount of damage in their wake). These disastrous nights would occur occasionally, and without warning. My doozie often resulted in all sorts of bullshit coming out of my mouth, poor decisions, blackouts, coming home in the early hours of the morning (and not remembering how), and THE most completely cataclysmic hangovers. The type where I literally. Could. Not. Move.

The off switch

You know that thing people call the ‘off switch’? That little voice in your head that says ”I’m done”? Well, sometimes mine would flick ON, and it WAS ON, and it flashed incessantly like a crazy beacon until I couldn’t speak, it was 4am, or I’d run out of money. Or all of the above.

What backed up the hangover was the shame. The shame would eat me alive like insidious rats gnawing at my flesh. Of what a stupid person I was. Of why I couldn’t stop sculling vodkas on the random crazy binge nights. Of what I was doing to my body. Of the icky and sometimes dangerous situations I got myself into. Of the conflicts with people as a result of my poor behaviour. Of what a crap mother I was when I was hung.

So, I quit drinking. Just like that. One life-changing Monday morning in late August 2017, I woke fully clothed not knowing when or how I got to bed. A quiet Sunday lunch had somehow gone awry. How the fuck did that happen? Again? I opened my stinging eyes, tasted metal, and waited a moment for the pain – there it was, my splitting skull. Slowly, breath after breath, the shame crept in. That was the moment I knew that I was going to take an extended break from alcohol.

The first few weeks were oh so tough, I was terrified of living alcohol-free. As my body detoxed, emotions flooded out, and I had to learn a new (and often awkward) way of socialising. Some of my relationships have changed, only because I have changed. But I actually quite like the perfectly imperfect shame-free me, although I’m still finding out who she is. I’ve been on a rocky rollercoaster of emotions as suppressed feelings have busted out, but it’s been equally rich in soulful bliss!

One day at a time


Forever without drinking seems too much to fathom, so I’m taking each day as it comes. I have achieved more in the last seven months than I ever thought I could. I’m writing a book. I’ve started a course in mental health. I’ve launched my blog. I’ve sorted things around the house that I’ve been looking at for years. I’m more present with my girls. Restful sleep. Bright eyes. New friends. Active past times. Glimpses of pure happiness at seemingly menial things. Those head-to-toe tingles are REAL, not instigated by booze anymore.

And going out without alcohol? I’ve realised I am still fun. I can still be funny. And I can still have fun. And in the morning, I feel a million bucks!

Love Cobes

xxx

Need some help to get to a good place with your drinking or not drinking? Download Daybreak and chat to a trained health coach and set your goals.

6 Comments

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  • Good morning. I so identified with your story and how well you wrote it. I had 13 drink free days put together last week which I hadn’t done in 12 years. Today I ‘m going to try again. I don’t have an iphone and so I don’t think I can download Daybreak. I will keep reading these blogs however …thank you for your story.

    By Deborah Rocks
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    August 19, 2018
  • Loved reading your story would love to check out your blog also if you could share the name.

    By Louise
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    September 13, 2018
  • OMG! I started reading your story and thought I was reading about myself. I, too, woke up on a Monday morning just recently (3 weeks ago) and thought to myself “I don’t WANT to drink anymore” and I haven’t had a drink since. Of course, it’s not been easy. I think about alcohol all the time and I think about all the times ahead of me where I would be drinking and it’s bloody scary. All the social occasions, all the sunny afternoons, all the holidays, all the birthdays, all the births, deaths and marriages. But, you know what? I’m determined not to drink again. I’ve drunk enough in my teenage and adult life to last 3 lifetimes. I know it isn’t going to be easy but I’m GOING TO DO IT!! Thank you for sharing your story (my story).

    By R Davy
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    September 13, 2018
  • Your story resonated with me very much. I am 36 yo male. Married and father of two young boys. Always was a party guy. Social gatherings all consist of booze. For the most part i control myself, but also have doozies occasionally throughout the year at bigger get together, guy weekends, weddings. Those are the events i struggle to control myself. I too, do not have an off switch in those settings and wake up feeling very ashamed and dissapointed. Had a doozie this past Sat at a cousins bachelor party and decided i need to stop drinking for the time being. Even the moderate drinking on some weeknights and most weekends is preventing me from living to my potential personally, as a father, husband, son, and friend. I also cannot fathom at this time not ever having a beer or glass of wine, thus am focusing on day to day, week to week. Happy to read your story since i can relate so much.

    By Brian
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    September 19, 2018
  • Thank you for your post. I am 54 years old and am on Day 54 without. I have been reading books and blogs and NOT DRINKING alcohol. Don’t want to go into my story just now, but it is pretty uneventful. Decided that I was going to do 365 Days without alcohol. So here I am. Going on a two day girls weekend with high school friends today to Nashville….this will be a challenge. Thanks for posting, and GOOD FOR YOU on your journey!

    By Jamie
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    October 4, 2018
  • Hello, I have only just recently decided to quit alcohol. At 46 years old and with a teenage daughter, I’m regretting not doing it earlier. I am feeling so much more present for my amazing daughter and getting so much out of my days. I was exactly the same person you describe in your post – I’d have my couple of wines at night and think it was ok, even though I could feel myself trying hard to behave sober in front of my daughter and then forgetting things she would tell me. Every couple of weeks at least I’d binge and wake up with that horrid feeling. Most of the time I’d even drink by myself because then I could really get into it without being judged by anyone else. At the moment I am doing well and haven’t even felt like a drink, I want to make up for all those wasted years that I have been drinking. My biggest fear is what damage my drinking has caused my daughter. I am excited to quit alcohol. I really appreciated reading your blog and hearing how similar your story sounds to mine. I’m looking forward to feeling completely free from the grips of alcohol and no more wasted precious moments with my daughter.
    I am meeting up with family for a holiday in a few weeks and in the past we usually all drink together, I’m not sure how I’m going to tackle that one yet. Any ideas please?
    Thank you for sharing your story.

    By Kellie
    |
    March 5, 2021
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