If you’re used to connecting with your partner over a glass of wine, then Valentine’s Day – and other romantic occasions – can sometimes be daunting. For example, many of you will be very familiar with those moments in life when the kids are finally in bed, the chaos has subsided and a drink together is the precious moment you have to bond and relax. And soon this ritual becomes the way that you connect. But now you’ve made a big change in your intent with alcohol. What to do when one of the more romantic occasions of the year rolls around?

My wife and I decided to stop drinking about four years ago, and while other lifestyle changes have come and gone (the vegan life is definitely an acquired taste), we still haven’t touched a drink. We even got married since giving up alcohol – surely the most romantic time for a must-have glass of Champagne if the zeitgeist is to be followed.

So I like to think I might have a feel for sober romance, although it’s difficult to distill whether there’s any singular cornerstone to achieving this because every relationship is unique. I know I’m lucky that we’ve both decided to make this change, but I’ve tried to keep the ideas broad for different relationships. And, if you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, we wrote a post last year about embracing that single life with open arms.

If your partner is skeptical about your lifestyle changes, this is an amazing time to prove the value of such a decision. Make the day special and you’re showing them, “hey, I’m trying to make myself better and I want you to know that our relationship is one of the important reasons I’m doing it.” Show them the energy and creativity it has lent you; that you can be even more fun and engaged and that there are many truly nourishing options out there to build your relationship that don’t require sharing a drink.

Conversely, all of this applies – perhaps even more so – if the shoe is on the other foot. If your partner is having a tough time with their relationship with alcohol, or any other pressures in life, today is the day to really go out of your way to celebrate them and what they mean in your relationship.

The secret, I believe, is not seeing Valentine’s Day as something to tick off. Rather, it’s an annual reminder to really engage with our romantic interest. What Christmas represents for the whole family, Valentine’s Day can represent for couples.

So, let’s plan out the day …

Valentine’s Day Morning: Sober

At risk of stating the obvious, if your significant other enjoys a good sleep-in then your first order of the day is to be on breakfast-in-bed duty. Don’t just go for business as usual; this isn’t the day for Cheerios unless that’s their guilty pleasure. You’ll want to make an appreciable effort with that amazing morning energy you’re regaining from a better relationship with alcohol. What’s their favourite breakfast or brunch option? Show off your culinary skills, and if they’re lacking, well, it’s the effort that counts. Alternatively, maybe their favourite is from a local cafe they love, so is there a way to pick it up or have it delivered?

In my own relationship, we like to exchange cards in the morning. It provides for a pause in a busy schedule to reflect and set intentions together while our heads are fresh and the noise of daily life hasn’t dulled our sensibilities. To sometimes hilariously mixed results, we also tend to hand-make these cards – in fact, this display of thought and effort is our only Valentine’s Day ‘gift’ to each other. Relationships are more important than consumption, although a box of chocolates every now and then can’t hurt.

If you’re anything like us, after a few blissful minutes the day will start to rapidly pick up the pace. Maybe the kids are bouncing around and due to go to school, or the puppy has peed on the floor because you forgot about it in the midst of your breakfast-in-bed cooking excitement. Does your partner typically take on these duties? Try to do much of them yourself today – or, better yet, get the kids in on your scheme and have them help make the morning one to remember.

Finally, without sounding like an advertising campaign, try to find opportunities to remind your partner why they’re special to you throughout the morning and day. And remember, while you might hit the jackpot, don’t expect anything in return. That’s not the point. You’re celebrating your relationship and your love, and your own effort is the only thing you can control. So thrive in it.

For working couples, the morning will be well gone by the time you get through all of this. Don’t try to be too ambitious! Stress does not make for good romance. Do what you can for each other, then get into the day.

Valentine’s Daytime: Sober

This is the difficult part, because many of us probably have jobs or other daily commitments to go to. There are two options here: you could postpone the day to have a bonus, end-to-end Valentine’s day on the weekend, or make your best effort with the day you’re given. I’m a fan of the latter, but if you’ve managed to fill an entire Valentine’s Day, please do let us all know your tips in the comments! We also published some ideas a few years ago.

Some of the standard recommendations apply here. If you can afford it, a bunch of flowers delivered to your love’s desk is an unexpected moment of joy. This can be even more true if you’ve never done anything like this before – the surprise alone will be received as a one of your better romantic gestures.

Do you work close together? Or is one of you allowed more flexibility during the day? Getting lunch together as a break in the work day is probably very novel to you by this point – life gets busy and other work-related commitments tend to get in the way of doing such everyday activities together. If it’s possible, try to make this work today. Meeting at a favourite venue when you’ve both come from different directions can tend to bring a small hit of the excitement you were once familiar with while you were dating – that experience of being two independent people with all your owns things going on, but choosing to come together for a date. You’ll certainly have a spring in your step as you return to the afternoon with only a few hours until home time.

Otherwise, it’s time to get creative. Work constraints are tricky to deal with, but the most challenging problems in life are often the greatest opportunities. Perhaps you’ve packed your partner’s lunch and took the opportunity to sneak something else into their bag, such as a letter or photo. If you’re brave enough, you can spam them with cute messages as if you’re engaged in a wide-eyed high school romance, or drip photos of favourite relationship memories through to them every hour. The possibilities are as broad as your mind.

Valentine’s Evening: still no wine

While the earlier sections of the day might generally lend themselves to the gesture of you putting in all the effort, the evening is the best time to collaborate on a shared experience – unless you really want to plan the whole day yourself, in which case, all power to you!

The key here is to ask: what do you most enjoy doing together? What settings created the right environment for bonding in the early days of your relationship, or where do you have special memories together?

You don’t have to go to a restaurant, unless that is genuinely what gets you both going. I, for one, am guilty as charged for regularly taking this easy option. Food is amazing.

But you also might like to consider something like ice skating, if you’re in the northern hemisphere, or a ballroom dancing class or something equally as novel. Are there surprising little local opportunities you can wrangle? For example, a big media fan might even try to guest host the local radio station for an evening. You laugh, but I happen to know this trick …

Is there anything else you’re thinking of? Again, the idea here is to celebrate your relationship and spend quality time together. So striving too hard and getting worked up about it is not a good idea.

But follow all of this as loosely as you like and even the prospect of a glass of wine will seem like a minor concern. Depending on how well the day goes, it may even help to strengthen your resolve.

How to enjoy being alcohol-free on big occasions

With big early-year national occasions coming up like Australia Day and the Super Bowl, now’s a good time to check in with your goals and ensure you’re ready to meet them when the pressure to stray will be at its greatest.

If you set New Year’s goals to cut back or stop drinking, you will be about 4-5 weeks in when these events arrive. This is a difficult time. The novelty has started to wear off, work is back in full swing and the remaining 11 months stretching before you suddenly seem more daunting than the 12 (or however many) you signed up for in the first place.

Here are some tips and techniques you can use to not simply survive these events, but to thrive in them, ensuring you have a fantastic time and strengthen your resolve.

Communicate clearly

If someone else is hosting a party and you know them well enough, one of the best things you can do is speak to them in advance about your goals. This can open a wide variety of options for you and you might even offer to co-host, taking the opportunity to work out some fun games to mix in with the other festivities that won’t require alcohol.

Just make sure the host knows you don’t have an issue with others drinking. This is about you and the best thing you can do right now is focus on your own goals. If others drink in a way you find concerning, there are better ways to support them than by enforcing your views on a party.

Communicating in advance also means that if any awkward or pressured situations come up a good host will help save the situation and move you to another. Not to mention that you can bring your own drinks without causing undue stress for the host to facilitate your needs.

Or, if you’re planning far enough in advance …

Try being the host

Although it can be a lot of hard work, this can also be rewarding. The creativity you need to plan a good event that doesn’t rely on alcohol as a centrepiece will be enjoyed both by you and the people drinking alike, so if this is an option for you it’s certainly worth trying.

One idea is to rent a great Airbnb with plenty of relevant options: perhaps prioritise a beach-front during summer or a jacuzzi in Winter and plan activities around the season and setting. This serves to transform the event into a destination and a novel experience, and it opens the floodgates for other creative ideas.

Whatever the setting, putting a lot of effort into a novel or high quality food bar instead of alcohol is a great option because it’s fun for you and it can be unusual entertainment for your guests. Perhaps plan a smorgasbord of cheeses and cured meats, or dust off your 70s Dinner Party cookbook for a frightening arrangement of fondu, 20 different ways of using jelly, cheese-and-bacon bananas, and animals made from potato and celery sticks. It’ll be a topic of conversation at the very least.

Again, remember that unless you can get a group together who are genuinely keen for such an experiment, it’s not a great idea to enforce an alcohol-free environment on everyone else. If you’re tempted, encourage them to bring their own drinks as a middle ground and remind yourself that this is about you!

Make it easy for yourself

To make your evening run smoothly, you’ll want to remove as much friction as possible. The biggest step towards this is to practice your lines! It’s almost a certainty that people will ask about your alcohol choices, and while it can range from sincere curiosity and care to outright indignation and eventual peer pressure, you need to know your messaging well enough that you don’t need to think about it. Don’t be apologetic, this is about you and it’s your time to own your life. Try to explain that you’re just not drinking and move on with the evening.

If you have a friend with similar goals, it’s a great idea to take the “phone a friend” option and hit the party together. If one or both of you feels like it might be a difficult evening, take the time to debrief beforehand and identify triggers and a subtle language to get each other’s attention when necessary. Plan your evening well and the rest will follow.

You might also like to have a backup plan – and, frankly, an excuse to leave and have fun elsewhere if the evening just isn’t going the right way. While this might sound extreme, even having a guilty pleasure lined up to fall back on can be a blessing if things don’t go according to plan. People won’t get off your back? Go and see that film you’ve been meaning to while the cinemas are empty. Heck, we’d almost choose that option in the first place if it weren’t for the importance of making an effort to socialise when you’ve made a big life change.

If not, at least make an escape plan so that you know how and when you’re getting home. And stick to it. If you are feeling at your absolute peak when the time comes to leave, it can be tempting to stay longer – but the best strategy is precisely the opposite. Chances are that it’s going downhill from here and you’ll be the one left with wonderful memories.

Alternatively, ensure you have something to look forward to the next day. Plan brunch with a friend, shopping or anything else you enjoy doing in the mid morning and you’ll be motivated to stick to everything you planned beforehand.

Remember you’re not a babysitter

While it’s often satisfying to support your friends as the designated driver or otherwise look after them when they’ve partied a little too hard, the truth is that this is not your sole responsibility. It can also be a surefire way to make you despise your alcohol-related goals and disrupt your progress. Remember that this is not about surviving the event – it’s about having the best time possible and using that positive experience to strengthen your resolve.

Sometimes this can be easier said than done, so you’ll need some strategies. First, determine how much care the person really needs. If they’re in a dangerous place and it’s unlikely that anyone else can help, then frankly it will be important to continue helping them. Otherwise, you can begin looking for openings to drag others into the situations you find yourself stuck with. For example, if you’re listening to a diatribe about an ex and you happen to have no shared ground, look for someone who does and slyly extract yourself from the conversation.

Your strategy might differ depending on the context. If you’re at a house party, let the host play their role. Ultimately it’s their responsibility to ensure a safe level of alcohol consumption and take care of their guests’ needs. They might consider taking the music down a notch to calm things down a bit, hand drinks out rather than facilitate a serve-yourself booze buffet, or ultimately see to it to safely send them home if things go too far. Or, if you’re out at a licensed venue and your friend is going in a concerning direction, don’t hesitate to politely get security involved. Being “in trouble” is only temporary, but the knock-on effects of things going too far can be life changing.

Finally, if you know the likely candidates to require your babysitting prowess, look for an opening to let them know in advance that you don’t intend to look after them. Perhaps start the evening with them and encourage lighter drinking options to set them on the right track.

Now, this isn’t to say that you should be completely detached. If someone is really in trouble it’s going to be important to help them out. And for some, playing this caretaking role can be genuinely helpful in their own journey. It’s up to you. Just remember that you get to define your evening and your goal is to enjoy it.

Mindset matters

You’ve done this before. Not necessarily the sober party if this is new for you, but rather, we socialise without alcohol all the time. We catch up over coffee, eat lunch, and plan activities such as a movie festival itinerary. Alcohol is not a magic elixir for socialising; it’s never what makes an event and it pays to remember this. Instead, alcohol just tends to exaggerate the other things you love such as spending high quality time with friends, listening to good music and having a dance. So bask in all these other things and remind yourself that you are lucky to have an unfiltered experience of them all.

It’s important to remain positive. Don’t tell yourself that this event will be terrible because “it was so good last year and now I’m not drinking so it just won’t be the same …” If you tell yourself this, the chances are that this will become your perception of the event. Know that you’re going in with a plan, remind yourself that you’re going to have a blast, and take care to notice and appreciate the good things.

Finally, if you usually have a big pre-event routine such as getting ready with your friends, going to the hairdresser or listening to your favourite playlist, don’t skip it! This will all add to the experience of the party or event and ensure that any FOMO you might have is kept to an absolute minimum. It’s all about having fun.

What do you do to ensure big events are fun without alcohol?

The Christmas season is fast approaching, and for many this means work Christmas parties, celebrations with friends, family gatherings and an indulgence in food, gifts and … alcohol. As your social calendar fills up, here are some tips on why you might choose not to drink, and how to go about avoiding alcohol or drinking less when Santa is in town.

We understand Christmas can be a stressful time, especially if you’re trying to drink less. Many festive celebrations involve drinking (often to excessive amounts) as part of the holiday spirit, and it is hard not to feel a pressure to conform to these expectations. It’s important to have a solid plan if you want to drink less alcohol this Christmas, or not drink any booze at all.

Advantages of not drinking alcohol over the Christmas season

Think of how much you’ll save by not splashing out on those expensive bottles of champagne or fancy beer! Christmas can be hard on the wallet already; consider what you would save if you chose not to drink at just one festive function (don’t forget to include the greasy hangover food and taxi home!) Now multiply that by the number of events coming up in your calendar. What would you spend the money on instead? Other advantages of not drinking alcohol over Christmas include minimising the chance of saying something regrettable to friends or family, consuming fewer calories that could contribute to ‘the Christmas bloat’, being able to stick to your exercise plan, and having a clearer head during an often stressful and busy end-of-year period.

We have gathered some of the best advice around to help you continue your positive relationship with alcohol this Christmas.

Be selective about the events you attend

Remember that you don’t have to go to every event; if there are certain celebrations that you know will make it really hard for you to feel good about your drinking goal, maybe consider skipping them. Attend the ones that will not focus so much on drinking to have a good time.

Bring your own drinks to Christmas parties

Take your favourite non-alcoholic drinks to the party with you, like a bottle of soda and a lime or a few ginger beers. This way you’re not missing out on drinking altogether and it may be a smart tactic to stop people asking you if you want a drink, every five minutes.

Plan activities that don’t involve sitting around drinking

Organise a friendly game of backyard cricket, a gingerbread-house baking session or DIY holiday card making. Watch a Christmas movie or print off lyrics for carols and have a classic, festive singalong.

Prepare your elevator pitch about why you’re not drinking, and stick to it

Be assertive with your decision to not drink and come prepared to talk about why you have chosen not to. Some people are genuinely interested, and who knows, it may even inspire them to think about their own relationship with alcohol. You could even point them to our free Daybreak app and supportive community if they express any interest in quitting, cutting back, or maintaining the amount of alcohol they drink.

Come up with an exit strategy to leave the party

If it all just gets too much and people are giving you a hard time about not drinking, or everyone’s too smashed to converse coherently, just get out of there. Most of the time they will hardly remember you leaving anyway. Just give the hosts a call or text the next day to thank them for their efforts and mention a few key details you liked about the party.

Focus on the purpose of the event

Remember why you were invited to the event and what the host would want to achieve by it. Time to spend with family? Feeling grateful for the year that was? Quality time with friends? Find the joy in spending quality time with those you love, doing the things you love!

Be the designated driver this Christmas

Take one for the team and offer to drive. Or even go one step further and pick up and drop off friends and family on the way. They will appreciate the good deed and you will have a responsibility to get them home safe and sound.

What is your motivation for going alcohol-light over Christmas and how do you go about achieving it? Share your strategies below to help our community!

For all its positives, Christmas can be a challenging time when we are trying to focus on our health – those parties, heavy food and socialising can mean we are low on sleep, eating to excess and without the usual structures that keep us functioning well. Often we’re torn between wanting to enjoy life to its fullest, and also wanting to enjoy great physical and mental health.

In addition, we don’t really want to be ‘that person’ who refuses dessert or avoids social situations because of our health – things like family and work events are important for a number of reasons, including catching up with relatives, celebrating the end of another year, and making plans for the year to come.

So, how to have it all? Recent research into wellbeing and ‘protective health behaviour’ has good news for us – which you may have already suspected. In a nutshell, it is not the juice-fasting, two-session-a-day gym fiends who enjoy the highest levels of wellbeing, but rather those who demonstrate regular and consistent health behaviours – the plodders rather than the sprinters.

With alcohol, one of the ideas that fits well with this framework is that of ‘harm minimisation’ – finding ways to keep ourselves healthy and functioning well, even if we are in the midst of holiday festivities. With this in mind, here are some realistic tips for an enjoyable holiday period.

AF Days – we know that a lot of harm from alcohol use comes from drinking in high volumes, and frequently. In fact, a lot of the issues that arise around holidays (e.g. fatigue, weight gain, low energy and low mood) can be due to regular and excessive alcohol consumption. If you are intending to have one or two drinks over the holidays, it might be helpful to plan a certain number of alcohol-free days. This gives you the opportunity to catch up on good quality sleep, recover physically and engage in some restorative activities, like exercise and reflection. It can also give an opportunity to experience some of those holiday activities without alcohol, and to reflect on the role of alcohol in your life. For many people, this is a great opportunity to do things differently, and stock up on energy to get active, or start to prepare for the year ahead.

Self-Care – it sounds obvious, but often alcohol can be a form of self-care – particularly when we are in the midst of holiday activity and tired out from preparing for family events or trips away. For many people, self-care really entails having some control over how they spend their time – e.g. taking an hour out to have a nap, or a coffee with a friend, or heading to the movies alone. Giving ourselves some space to recover and recharge can mean that we are less likely to use alcohol to relax – and we may be more present and appreciative of the things around us, and enjoy things like the opportunity to sleep in or spend time with family.

Self-Monitoring – a large amount of the behaviour change- and wellbeing literature supports the practice of self-monitoring for (1) raising our awareness of the behaviour and (2) providing us with insight into ‘risky’ situations and triggers.

For many people, using apps to record their food intake and exercise helps them to be more aware of their consumption, and set a bit of an internal calculator around what they consume. The same goes for alcohol. If we are able to set ourselves some realistic goals for the holiday period, and keep a rough track of what we are eating and drinking, it can help us to stay on track – or a lot closer to the track than if we were not paying attention. Goal-setting theory proposes that, by setting a goal, we are likely to get closer to the goal than if we had never set it. Just having the goal – whether that is to keep below a certain number of calories or drinks, or to exercise a certain number of times per week – is a really good first step, as well as considering how we might work that goal into our plans over the holidays (e.g. bring walking shoes on a trip, or bring some alcohol-free wine to Christmas dinner).

Replacements – this is the ‘have your cake and eat it too’ section of the tips. As noted, most of our issues over the holidays come from our love of excess. We love to eat Christmas food, and the feelings of celebration and freedom can result in us over-indulging in food and drink, and then regretting the consequences. Just being aware of this is part of the battle, and knowing that for most things there are moderate replacements that can reduce some of the harm that we’d otherwise be experiencing. Some ideas are here and also:

Champagne – AF sparkling wine, or Champagne with sparkling mineral water
Cocktails – AF cocktails (recipes here), Seedlip (AF gin replacement), Altina (AF spirit replacement), Brunswick Aces (AF gin replacement), Kombucha with sparkling water
Beer – AF beer (Carlton Zero), Kombucha
Wine – Ariel Cabernet Sauvignon (AF wine).

Alternatively, here are some cocktail ideas from our archives:

Cranberry juice, blood orange juice, lime, soda, and fruit pieces.
Quarter of a glass of apple juice, fill up the rest with Indian tonic water, throw in a couple of mint leaves
Soda, lime, and bitters
Soda water, a spoon of maple syrup, a squeeze of lemon and a dash of cayenne
Lemonade, pineapple juice and a splash of lime cordial
Ginger beer, ice and lots of mint leaves.

Remember, the aim of any of these kinds of changes is that we want them to be sustainable – we want them to be valid alternatives to how we are currently doing things. Exploring what works for you might be a matter of reflecting on what went well for you last year, and what didn’t go so well, and how you might like to do things differently this year.

It is likely that even a couple of small changes (e.g. a few AF days, some self-monitoring and having some replacement drinks in the fridge if needed) will have an impact on your physical and mental functioning over this period.

It can be a tricky balance between enjoying the festivities and also looking after ourselves physically and mentally, and we don’t always get it right! This is fine – remember, harm minimisation is about being realistic about human behaviour and acknowledging that sometimes we may over-indulge – and the important thing is that we can recognise this and plan around it. This looks different for everybody. For some people, regular exercise isn’t important, but they need eight hours of sleep or else mayhem ensues. For others, focusing on their diet means that everything else works like clockwork. Considering your own wellbeing and health goals might be useful in the lead-up to this holiday period, so that you can enjoy the whole experience and head into the new year in good physical and mental health.

“Nothing for me please.”

Don’t let your decision to cut back or quit drinking make you feel like you can’t join in and enjoy a nice drink with someone special, to celebrate an occasion or to indulge in after a long day.

Thankfully, we are living during a time in history where there are some excellent non-alcoholic beverage choices, and we’re not just talking about ordering a Coke or an OJ.

There are some equally good booze-free spirits, beers and wines available on the market and here are some of our favs:

Seedlip

Seedlip offers a drink that is just as attractive as a nice, stylish bottle of gin. For those who want an alternative to alcohol and who still want to sip on something high quality, this is the drink for you. The beautiful graphics decorating the bottle make Seedlip feel like the real deal. They started in London and are now well-stocked in bars and restaurants globally offering three different blends: Spice 94, Garden 108 & Grove 42.

The Australian representative came to the Hello Sunday Morning HQ one day to explain their whole ethos and we all tried a few non-alcoholic cocktails at work. Happy to say we loved them and still had a productive afternoon!

Cost: The bottles retail for $50AUD

Recipe idea: Seedlip Garden is made with peas, hay, spearmint, rosemary, and thyme. Instructions: In a tall glass with ice, combine 1 1/2 ounces of Seedlip Garden 108 and 4 ounces of a high-quality tonic like Fever Tree. Give a quick stir, then garnish with a few lime wheels.

Altina

Created for people to enjoy delicious drinks and not wake up with a hangover, the Australian team behind Altina Drinks are passionate about reducing the stigma about alcoholic drinks being the only choice when socialising.

“People should be able to drink on their terms, without being judged.”

The idea for Altina was born when one of the creators, Christina DeLay, started realising her drinking habits were starting to impact her health. “It just became such a big part of life and I found that I really wasn’t mindful of it at all.”

The Altina range is made from Australian native plant ingredients including bark, spices, flowers and herbs. Altina has started a crowdfunding campaign to build up their sustainable social enterprise.

Brunswick Aces

These guys are based out of Melbourne, producing a non-alcoholic gin to provide a tasty alternative for those who choose to go sans booze. Created from locally grown ingredients, there’s a couple of blends to choose from.

Hearts is closer to your classic gin notes: a spicy mix of juniper, wattleseed, cloves, star anise, ginger, sage and pink grapefruit.

Spades has more of a citrus kick, forgoing juniper all together in favour of lime, grapefruit, cardamom, parsley and lemon myrtle.

Cost: $50 for a 700ml bottle

Best recipe: Hearts at the Beach

70ml Brunswick Aces Hearts Blend

70ml CAPI Yuzu

35ml Coconut Water

Served in a martini glass with a desiccated coconut “sugar” rim and a charred coconut ribbon

Carlton Zero

For the beer lovers who don’t want to pass up a ‘cold one’ with mates on a hot Friday afternoon.

“It’s crafted with the same quality ingredients as our other beers.”

Carlton Zero is slightly hoppy with a fruity aroma and is a full-flavoured classic beer.
Demand for non-alcoholic beer continues to grow in Australia and internationally as people are becoming more health conscious. Low and mid-strength beers now represent 20% of CUB sales as consumers increasingly moderate their alcohol intake. Changing your relationship with alcohol just got easier as there are more and more social drinking options available for those who choose to be sober!

Ariel Cabernet Sauvignon

It is hard to pass up a rich red wine on a chilly night in, or while enjoying a delicious meal with company. You don’t have to rule out wine just because you may be thinking of cutting back or quitting drinking.

This wine is made in a sustainable winery in Paso Robles, California. After fermenting in stainless steel it’s aged in oak barrels, and just before bottling, the alcohol is “gently removed by cold filtration.” Ariel Cabernet Sauvignon offers aromas of black currants, cherry, blueberries and chocolate, with soft tannins and a dry finish.

Cost: $21.99

Recommendation: Best served with Italian food and rich tomato sauces.

Moderation may not be for you, so when you decide you want out, what next?

The cons have started to outweigh the pros when it comes to your drinking habits or you may just be sick of being hungover and not doing the things you love. Maybe you’ve realised that the way you are drinking is leading you down a dangerous path health-wise or you could be jeopardising your relationships with others or yourself.

It is not an overnight decision

Quitting drinking for most people isn’t something they just wake up one morning and say “Okay, I’m going to quit” and that’s that. When you have been doing something for a long time, it becomes a learned behaviour and this is not an easy thing to change. That’s why it is imperative that people seek as much support as they can to help them with this process.

For many people working to change their relationship with alcohol, it is more of a journey and the path is not always clear. It might come with setbacks and ups and downs, but at the end of the day, it is always a positive decision.

Set intentions

When you first decide that you want to change, it is helpful to set out some intentions and visions of what you want your new life to look like. If you think about it, changing your relationship with alcohol is actually a lifestyle change. Your social life may change, you might change the people you surround yourself with, you may change your routine or hobbies.

Ask yourself: What do I want my relationship with alcohol to look like?

Do you want to be able to say no comfortably?
Do you want to be able to talk about why you’ve decided to quit drinking?
Do you want to stop drinking so you can focus on other areas of your life? What are those areas? Family, relationship, career?

What do you do with your spare time?

Often when you cut back or stop drinking altogether, you can find that there is a whole lot of spare time available. It is incredible how long the days can be if you are not recovering from, or using alcohol. For some this is a welcome change and all the things they had previously wished they had time for – like fitness, sober social activities or study – suddenly become doable. For others, however, there can be a bit of a void, and the evenings or weekends can tend to drag on.

Here are some tips for those who have stopped drinking and are asking themselves ‘now what?’

Consider what role alcohol was playing for you. Was it an opportunity to socialise, or to relax? Generally if you can identify what kinds of needs were being met, you can then find ways of achieving this without alcohol.

Take Jeff for example:

Jeff found that going to play poker and trivia were lifesavers when he moved to a new town. He didn’t have many friends and loved the social environment. However, he also found himself drinking most nights of the week and ending up with bad hangovers which affected his performance at work. After considering it for a while, Jeff started playing social basketball a couple of nights a week and only went to trivia every fortnight. At trivia he limited himself to light beer. This way he could get his social fix without necessarily putting himself around alcohol every night.

Or Anna:

Anna found that her nightly glass of wine was a good way to switch off from the day and unwind. It was part of her nightly ritual of making dinner and bathing the kids and she found it hard to stop at one or two. After a while Anna decided that she couldn’t continue on the same path. She found that doing some self-care activities before the nightly rush (such as having a bath and putting on her favourite music while preparing dinner) gave her the opportunity to relax and unwind. It allowed her this downtime without having to tolerate the effects of alcohol the next day.

It will also be helpful to consider what kinds of needs you have at the moment which are currently unmet. These could be things like health or personal growth, things that have not been addressed because you didn’t have the time or capacity to focus on them in the past.

The time after you stop or cut back from drinking can be one of major personal growth. It can be really good to reflect on how you’d like things to change in terms of your relationship with alcohol and with your life in general.

Set goals and monitor your drinking

How much would you like to be drinking and how much would be reasonable for you to aim for? Consider the situations in which you might be wanting to drink less and the situations where no change is needed. Try this for a week and keep track of how much you drink by taking note on your phone. This will help you realise what kind of role alcohol currently plays in your life and will help you reframe what you want your new relationship with alcohol to look like. For example: ‘At the end of the month I would like to be able to just have 3 beers when I’m out with mates.’

Try a few replacement behaviours

When you are at an event, practice ordering drinks like soda water with fresh lime or a mocktail. That way when Dry July finishes, you will feel more comfortable turning to non-alcoholic drinks and this will help you to stick to your moderation/mindful goals. If you have a habit of getting home from work and pouring yourself an alcoholic drink, try running a bath instead or going for a walk with a friend/partner/dog.

Take note of the ‘culture’ in your friendship group

Is it around getting drunk together, and if so, what might you like to change about this? Sometimes the biggest challenge can be saying no to that extra drink and needing to explain that you are cutting back, and why. It will be easy to have Dry July as an excuse, but it may prove to be more difficult explaining to friends why you are not drinking like you used to in the long run. Try experimenting with this and some possible reasons you may have for cutting back. This could be around health, or even saying, ‘I’m taking a break for a while, to see what it’s like without alcohol’.

Look at past situations

Consider situations where you generally don’t drink as much, and look at what helps in that situation. Is it knowing you have a limit (e.g. driving), or is it situations where you’ve eaten beforehand, or are with people you know aren’t big drinkers? See if you can use these existing situations to inform future plans. Similarly, consider the situations where you tend to drink heavily – what is happening there? Is there an expectation that you’ll drink, and a situation that supports this (e.g. staying overnight, unlimited alcohol)?

For long term change, you have to be ready

The reality is that until you are ready to change, you will probably not stop drinking, particularly if it is serving a purpose or there has become a dependency.

If you find you need extra support to help you change, check out Hello Sunday Mornings’ mobile behaviour change program, Daybreak.

Today I am 236 days booze free.

A few years ago I could not have fathomed giving up my beloved wine for any extended period of time, despite trying many times. It was my release, it was my freedom, it was my friend. The reckless abandon it would give me meant that I could shut out the world and let off steam, and all my pressures and insecurities would go away. I drank to celebrate and commiserate, when I was happy and sad, when I was stressed and relaxed, when I was on holiday and at home, when I was with people and alone. There was always an excuse to have a drink.

Now when people ask me “How could you possibly give up? I could never do that!”, the reason for me is clear. It’s because it wasn’t about having to do it, it was about wanting to do it. It’s a choice I needed to make, and wanted to make, for me.

You can’t just quit overnight. I had been agonising over the decision for many years. Convincing myself my drinking was a problem, then convincing myself it wasn’t. All the while building ammunition. Recording and recalling all the stupid shit I have ever done while pissed. Revelling in my life’s worst hangovers, which seem to have happened in the last five years.

You see, in order to quit I had to take a good hard look at myself. Was I the person I really wanted to be? Was I achieving what I wanted to in life? Was I happy in the cycle of drink, hangover, guilt, repeat?

Did I truly love myself?

No, I didn’t.

I never considered myself to be an alcoholic, I didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. I didn’t drink every day, I didn’t drink excessively by Australian social standards, I didn’t drink if I was pregnant or driving and a lot of the time I would have a couple, and be completely in control. I was, and still am, a highly-functioning mother, partner and friend. But booze had a hold on me.

You grow tired of thinking about drinking all the time; who with, what for, which poison, when, how, where, was I going to try to set myself a limit, omg I’m so hungover, omg I’ve done it again, and the all-important questions: “Shall we Uber?” and “Shall we get another bottle?”

For me, there was a dilemma which was my downfall, what I like to call the ‘doozie’. They were the binge nights that snuck up on me like a stealth bomber (and bombs they were with the amount of damage in their wake). These disastrous nights would occur occasionally, and without warning. My doozie often resulted in all sorts of bullshit coming out of my mouth, poor decisions, blackouts, coming home in the early hours of the morning (and not remembering how), and THE most completely cataclysmic hangovers. The type where I literally. Could. Not. Move.

The off switch

You know that thing people call the ‘off switch’? That little voice in your head that says ”I’m done”? Well, sometimes mine would flick ON, and it WAS ON, and it flashed incessantly like a crazy beacon until I couldn’t speak, it was 4am, or I’d run out of money. Or all of the above.

What backed up the hangover was the shame. The shame would eat me alive like insidious rats gnawing at my flesh. Of what a stupid person I was. Of why I couldn’t stop sculling vodkas on the random crazy binge nights. Of what I was doing to my body. Of the icky and sometimes dangerous situations I got myself into. Of the conflicts with people as a result of my poor behaviour. Of what a crap mother I was when I was hung.

So, I quit drinking. Just like that. One life-changing Monday morning in late August 2017, I woke fully clothed not knowing when or how I got to bed. A quiet Sunday lunch had somehow gone awry. How the fuck did that happen? Again? I opened my stinging eyes, tasted metal, and waited a moment for the pain – there it was, my splitting skull. Slowly, breath after breath, the shame crept in. That was the moment I knew that I was going to take an extended break from alcohol.

The first few weeks were oh so tough, I was terrified of living alcohol-free. As my body detoxed, emotions flooded out, and I had to learn a new (and often awkward) way of socialising. Some of my relationships have changed, only because I have changed. But I actually quite like the perfectly imperfect shame-free me, although I’m still finding out who she is. I’ve been on a rocky rollercoaster of emotions as suppressed feelings have busted out, but it’s been equally rich in soulful bliss!

One day at a time

Forever without drinking seems too much to fathom, so I’m taking each day as it comes. I have achieved more in the last seven months than I ever thought I could. I’m writing a book. I’ve started a course in mental health. I’ve launched my blog. I’ve sorted things around the house that I’ve been looking at for years. I’m more present with my girls. Restful sleep. Bright eyes. New friends. Active past times. Glimpses of pure happiness at seemingly menial things. Those head-to-toe tingles are REAL, not instigated by booze anymore.

And going out without alcohol? I’ve realised I am still fun. I can still be funny. And I can still have fun. And in the morning, I feel a million bucks!

Love Cobes

xxx

Need some help to get to a good place with your drinking or not drinking? Download Daybreak and chat to a trained health coach and set your goals.

Looking at social media and the news in the past few months, you might have noticed more and more people talking about the challenges of motherhood; the physical, emotional and financial toll it can take on a person, and how the end result may be feelings of stress, anxiety and exhaustion. Many mums may end up feeling guilty about these challenges, feeling that they should be more like other mums and this in itself feeds into more negative feelings.

The good news is that this conversation is now being had openly, and we have an awareness that this is a really big issue. As wonderful as the experience of becoming a mother might be, in reality there are also challenges and the need for support.

Many movies and jokes on social media will involve mums drinking copious amounts of wine to cope, and bonding with each other over boozy evenings out where they get to shake off their responsibilities. It is a hard (perhaps the hardest) job and there does need to be a release!

‘Me time’

At Hello Sunday Morning, we are well aware of this as a lot of our Daybreak members are mums who have had this exact situation. They all have busy lives, busy schedules, full time caregiver roles and not a huge amount of support or time to look after their own needs. Having a wine at the end of the day represents the closing of a chapter on the day, some ‘me’ time and the opportunity to switch off and recharge those emotional resources.

The only problem is that, after a while, alcohol tends to take more than it gives. One glass becomes two or a whole bottle, and those emotional resources don’t get topped up, but rather becomeso much as drained even more from hangovers and disrupted boozy sleep.

That need for some ‘me’ time and unwinding becomes something that steals some of your energy for the next day, that actings like a big foggy blanket over a daily routine.

On top of this, alcohol actually affects our sleep as well so even if we go to sleep more easily after having a couple of drinks, our sleep quality is much worse when we’ve been drinking, and we don’t get as much REM sleep, which is the really good quality, deep sleep.

Better ways to unwind

Many Daybreak mums come to the conclusion that alcohol is perhaps not the best way to unwind (at least, not every day) and that there are other ways of topping up those emotional resources.

Here are two lists – one for mums, and one for those who are supporting mums. We generally know that when we have ways to replenish our emotional resources, we are more likely to feel better at the end of the day, and less likely to feel exhausted, drained, frustrated or just sad.

Tips for Mums:

If you are finding that you are drinking more than you would like, visit our Daybreak app to chat with some other members about what has helped them. Often other mums will be experiencing similar pressures and rituals, and will be able to offer support and advice. Sometimes even just checking in with the community during the time you are most vulnerable, is enough to change that behaviour.

Tips for family and friends of mums

If you are a partner or a friend of a mum who is struggling with stress or pressures, here are some things that you can do to help:

– Offer to help out for a day so that she can have a break to go and top up those emotional resources – whether this is to go out to see friends, take some time to herself or head to the gym. Offering to do this might be invaluable for the mother.

– Give feedback. If you know a mum who is doing a great job, let them know! They might be feeling like they’re not doing well at all. Giving support doesn’t have to be all practical, sometimes it can be a text message or a passing comment about what they are doing right and it can be much appreciated.

– For partners of caregivers, perhaps encourage her to make time for herself, whether that is by organising someone to mind the kids, arranging to work from home or take a leave day. For primary caregivers, down time and time to themselves can be of huge importance, but might not actually happen. As someone who is not at home during the day, perhaps you are able to recognise the need for ‘me’ time more than them and make some suggestions on how to make that happen.

– Remember emotional resources are hugely important when you are a mum – they are what we need for empathy, energy and planning. When we are feeling tired or drained, our emotional resources are also low and so we may struggle to keep on top of things. Finding ways to support yourself and asking others for support, can be a really good step. In addition to this we know that wine often goes hand in hand with unwinding or socialising, but when we are using it to top up our emotional resources, it can quickly become a drain rather than a booster.

If you’re finding yourself stuck in this pattern, have a look at what others have to say on Daybreak, other members can be a great source of advice and support, and you can also access health coaching for some additional advice on how to manage stress and drinking.