Why I don’t drink anymore

My name is Alisha, I’m 43 and on September 23rd I will be celebrating 1 year of living an alcohol free life.  I questioned my relationship with alcohol for many years before taking the plunge into going fully alcohol free. I started drinking at 14 and from then on the majority of my weekends involved binge drinking. While the alcohol helped me relax and feel more confident, it also came with a lot of questionable, if not dangerous, decisions. During this time I believed that gaining the attention of men made me feel better. If I didn’t receive this, I would feel rejected and become depressed. I remember spending many nights on a long walk home crying and descending into self loathing.  Alcohol unleashed my fun side, but also my dark and twisty side. 
 
At 24 I met my now ex-husband. Pre-engagement I would often get so drunk and depressed I’d blame him because he hadn’t proposed. Post marriage we suffered years of infertility. I would be so disciplined not drinking anything whilst we were trying to have a baby, or going through fertility treatment, then as soon as a negative result came through, I’d drown my emotions in alcohol. The infertility journey didn’t impact my husband in the same way it did me. and Hhe wasn’t supportive in a way I needed, plus didn’t want anyone to know what we were going through, so I’d often cope with my depression by drinking while everyone around me was easily getting pregnant.
 
My marriage ended 2 weeks after our son was stillborn and alcohol again played a big part in coping with this significant life change. After buying my own house and trying to move on with life, I felt very alone and spent many nights after work in the pub with anyone who also didn’t have anything appealing to go home to. On Friday nights these would turn into big nights dancing, completely smashed with whoever else from work was out (the majority of my normal friends were happily at home with their husbands and children). Again, I went into a cycle of desperately trying to meet a man or feeling depressed that I was alone. More often than I’d like, the night ended with me sleeping with someone in hindsight I shouldn’t have. 
 
I moved to Australia just before I turned 35 and the rocky relationship with alcohol continued. At first it was a way to bond with people in my new, very full on job, or to meet people in my local neighbourhood. Then it was a way to relax on internet dates, or to cope with my men I cared deeply about moving on in life with someone who wasn’t me. I had a few attempts at relationships, but nothing close to a future.  
 
When my Dad passed away suddenly when I was 38 I decided the most important thing for me was not meeting a partner, but to become a mother. 6 weeks before I turned 40 that dream finally came true via IVF and a sperm donor. I didn’t touch alcohol my whole pregnancy. I ended up having my daughter 7 weeks into Melbourne’s first lockdown, I was all alone and didn’t even think about alcohol as I just focused on her and the general newborn bubble of feeding and sleeping. I think I had my first drink at my 40th birthday and had pumped to make sure she wouldn’t be impacted.  
 
I met a few mums in virtual mothers group and when we were allowed to, we would catch up for walks with a takeaway G+T from the pub or rosée in the park with the babies. I thought this was the village and life I wanted. I was way too excited about finding mum drinking buddies. A few times I was quite tipsy by the time I got home, and it didn’t feel great. I lost contact with those people naturally, but then had a few more nights where I accidentally drank more than I intended. My last straw was when I went to a friend from daycare’s sons 2nd birthday. I had made some really great friends through daycare, but I was starting to really question how much I was drinking. I was worried that something could happen to my daughter and I wouldn’t’ be able to react quick enough, or I couldn’t drive her to the hospital, or they would deem me an unfit mother. So I went to the party with the intention of just having one. I didn’t. I had a great time, and had many, then another mum came back to mine with her son and we drank another bottle of wine plus more. Her husband picked her up, so he could look after their son. I had no one. 
 
That was it, the final straw. I finally accepted that I can’t do moderation. It’s just not an option for me. And if I want to be the best mother and achieve the goals I have for life with my daughter, alcohol can no longer have a part in it.  
 
I still have a lot of zero alcohol wine and mocktails to get the psychological benefits of a drink, without the health and mind implications. I now consistently get up at 5am and am achieving personal goals I didn’t even know I had as I am so inspired by creating an incredible life for myself and my daughter. I have lost many friends over the years from my behaviour when drinking, and have lost some more now that I no longer drink, but the friends I do have are incredibly supportive. I can easily go out with them while they are drinking and have a great time as they are genuine people, not superficial relationships built on alcohol and self destructive tendencies. 
 
I love that on weekends I no longer have to factor in hangover recovery time, and I’m still surprised how easy it has been to stick to being alcohol free after trying and failing so many times in the past, but I guess my gorgeous 3 year old has finally given me such a big WHY.