Hey Melbourne Cup, Don’t be Offended if I Don’t Drink

Written by Jazz Rowland

“Hey, I booked us 4 tickets to Randwick Races for Melbourne Cup! I shotgun being the scantily clad female with vomit in my hair.” This was the text message I sent to a friend a week ago.

In reality this is far from the truth. Up until recently I could drink like most others. This didn’t mean my goal in life was to drink the next man or his dog under the table but I could actually consume alcohol.

This is no longer the case. Due to a biological change or a sub-conscious shift in my desire to drink I can no longer consume alcohol. There’s a cheap date then there’s me – a ‘Made in China’, I’ll lose all ability to function properly within the first hour, date.

I realised this when I met with a colleague’s friend; lets call him ‘James’, to discuss work. I’ve been of the mindset lately that alcohol for me on most days is counter productive. I’m a regular at the gym, the gym staff have been known to see me three times a day, six days a week. On top of that, a standard working day is atleast 10 hours, minimum of six days per week. Crazy? No, just ridiculously high functioning. I can sleep while I’m dead, right? I figure, my output is high and I like it that way, so why hinder it with a hangover.

During this meeting I decided to have a glass of wine to accompany James’ beer. I really enjoyed the wine, maybe a little too much, as within 20 minutes I was drunk. Not just tiddley. I was blurry eyed, slurred speech, drunk. The following 40 minutes of our meeting I actively tried to compose myself. (The irony lies in my job. I am the Marketing Manager for Hello Sunday Morning). Whether I was successful in that is another story. I then stumbled home to crawl into bed as the ceiling spun above my head. The real kicker to my unintentional drunken excursion? I lay in the fetal position, with heinous Stomach cramps whilst feeling very sorry for myself. It’s fair to say alcohol has lost it’s charm.

It no longer offers me what I thought it did in the past. Sometimes it was a brief respite from the daily grind or it added to my personality and made me louder and funnier. Well I thought so anyway. I make excuses with alcohol. I procrastinate. Essentially, alcohol stops me from smashing goals and getting shit done!

Today is Melbourne Cup and I’m making a conscious decision to not drink. Yes, I will probably act up. I may even make a fool of myself. I’ll probably challenge a few strangers to a good ol’ fashioned arm wrestle but I won’t be ‘that’ girl with shoes in one hand, a glass in the other and vomit in my hair.

Don’t be offended. This is my choice as it is yours to drink.

Just remember, It’s a horse race not a drinking race.


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  • Can I be the guy with my tie pulled down way to low, sleeves rolled with jim beam stains on my white shirt with my suit jacket draped over some random girl, thinking I’m the man.

    By Jamie
    November 4, 2014
  • Well played Jazz, well played.

    By Mike
    November 4, 2014
  • Hey HSM! I love what you’re doing here BUT the moment you shame a woman for being scantily clad (even if she does have vomit in her hair), you suggest that she is a lesser human being for dressing that way.

    Don’t suggest something about a woman based on her appearance and don’t perpetuate it by sharing this kind of content please.

    By Georgia
    October 15, 2015
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