Understanding what role alcohol plays with our self-confidence

Whether you are a shy or confident person, an introvert or extravert, holding a glass of wine or a cold stubby can make social interaction somewhat less rigid. So, how can we be confident without alcohol?

Alcohol can seemingly boost our confidence, especially in social settings. It releases dopamine in our brain – a chemical that is triggered from eating our favourite foods, earning money or completing tasks. The surge of this neurotransmitter can make us feel powerful and confident. That’s why alcohol is often referred to as ‘liquid courage’.

The problem with relying on alcohol as a source of courage is that it suppresses our senses and ability to gauge risk or social cues. In other words, we tend to do things without thinking through consequences. We all know the dread of going through our phone the next morning after a big night! Over time, this false courage will eventually have the adverse effect on our confidence.

There are ways to build confidence and courage without alcohol. We’ve put together some helpful tips to help cultivate it – ultimately, it all comes down to mindset. We hope these tips will not only help you to overcome the angst that comes with most social circumstances; but also, allow you to see yourself in a positive way that can serve you well in a long run. Especially when you are trying to quit or reduce alcohol.

Chemical happiness and the role it plays in our relationships with alcohol

Dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin production all have a part to play in our relationship with alcohol.

Five tips on how to be confident without alcohol:

1. Make peace with who you are – how you think and feel about yourself matters

The core belief of using alcohol to be confident is often a false understanding that you are not enough. Which is why the first tip on our list is: to make peace with who you are – in other words, self-acceptance. For some of us, it might take extra courage to socialise. We use alcohol to bring out our ‘fun’ self. But behind the person we are hiding is an individual that is unique in the entire universe. Whose opinion, thoughts and feelings matters.

Accepting ourselves is, of course, easier said than done. It requires some on-going reflection. Over time, with persistence and intentional effort, you will grow to learn and accept who you are. Spend some time for yourself, to take stock of who you are as a person. What are your strengths, positive traits, and your achievements? What do people who matter most to you say about you? Keep these in mind and refer to them when you feel like you need a bit of a pep talk.

2. Mindfulness – being aware of self-critics and practise self-compassion

Mindfulness meditation can give insight into what is going on in our mind. So, give time to be still and to observe perspective. You might find that there has been on-going negative self-talk and that overtime you have come to believe it. Take note of this and practise self-compassion. Some people might find it helpful to write the negative thoughts or criticisms on a piece of paper and then replace them with a kind response to each. If you find it difficult to practise self-compassion, just imagine responding kindly to the person you love (child, close friends, or spouse). If you would not speak harshly to them, why should you be critical to yourself?

A regular practise of mindfulness might be a good way to help build this kind of awareness. Some mindfulness apps such as Calm and Insight Timer are affordable and suitable to use for beginners.

3. Body language

The same way we express our love, anger or fear; our body language can contribute to the way we carry ourselves. Amy Cuddy, on her TedTalk discusses how body language can change not only other’s perception of us, but also our own belief of who we are. At the end of the day, the person that needs convincing the most is ourselves. It might take a few years of trial and error to fully address self-doubts. Though with a little awareness of the way we position our body along with the practise of mindfulness, we could nurture our inner self to be confident without the negative effect of alcohol.

4. Fear of rejections? Let’s address the uncomfortable feelings

Although there might be a lot of reasons why people use alcohol to help socialise, the fear of rejection can contribute to our reliance on alcohol. ‘Rejection’ (for the lack of a better word) is complex, and it is not always related to who we are as a person, other factors could also contribute to it. As it is part of life to be turned down at times, knowing what to do about it might help us to better prepare and have more courage to make the move. Because what might be worse, is to use alcohol to aid the feeling of rejection. Alcohol helps us avoid uncomfortable feelings. Just like the saying ‘a stitch in time saves nine,’ – over time, those feelings we are avoiding could bottle-up and cause more disruptions from within if not addressed.

At the end of the day, perhaps this fear of rejection might relate to our own acceptance of who we are. When we are more comfortable with ourselves, we tend to be better at handling rejection.

(You might find this four pathways about rejection or short video from Seth Godin helpful).

5. Be open-minded and take chances

Finally, when all is said and done, the best way to cultivate courage and confidence is to go ahead and take chances. Whether asking someone on a date or starting a conversation with a person you are fond of, taking that first step might just be the thing you need to practice self-confidence. Of course, there is a possibility that we might be turned down, but there is also a chance that we might do better than we give ourselves credit for. Either way, learning from mistakes is a powerful way to grow.

In summary

Being confident is not about changing who we are as a person, it is more about making peace and loving ourselves. Although it is not an overnight change and there is no quick fix to be daring, a slow pace change often is a deeper and lasting change. Overtime, we can dispel our own self-doubt and be confident without alcohol – the liquid courage.

Why do people turn to alcohol to manage a breakup?

Alcohol is something that people often use to help deal with negative emotions. It can temporarily shift the mind away from uncomfortable feelings such as pain, rejection or disappointment; towards ordinary matters – such as talking to strangers in bars and dancing in nightclubs.

When our relationships aren’t going well, or we are dealing with the fall-out from a break up, we often feel an uneasy combination of fear, sadness, grief, anxiety, anger, frustration and loneliness. None of these are positive emotions, and often they can trigger old memories and feelings from previous painful experiences in our lives.

Ironically, alcohol can be the one thing that stops us from processing the emotional pain of a breakup.

We know that when we drink, our brains are much less efficient at processing memories and emotions, and we can find ourselves stuck in a cycle of feeling down and wanting to avoid this at any cost. It makes sense that we will want to numb some of those feelings and distract ourselves. That dopamine rush which comes with the first drink of alcohol is probably a welcome relief from the emotional chaos that is brewing inside.

However, alcohol is also a depressant that can amplify those original feelings. It can also lower our level of inhibition, meaning that we can do and say things that we later regret, all the while being influenced by these strong, overwhelming emotions.

We think that having a big night out will help us to process all of these feelings of hurt and sadness, but we also know from past experience that these nights out can actually unlock more feelings or prolong negative emotional states.

Alcohol is a depressant
which can amplify those
uncomfortable feelings

Ask yourself:

What might be an alternative that helps you deal with the very normal pain that you are feeling, while at the same time sets you up to move on with your life?

From past experience, what might be the best way to care for your wounded emotions, that doesn’t necessarily involve switching off or numbing yourself?

Below are three ways to process your emotions without the hangover or regret:

1. Support from your circle

One of the reasons we might head out for a night on the town is for the social connection. We know that being in a social environment, talking and interacting with other people that we are comfortable with, can help to shift our mood and feel a sense of connectedness and enjoyment. However, other alternatives might include hosting a games night at home, scheduling a hike with trusted friends or playing sports outdoors with mates. This might create the opportunity to receive unconditional support from your circle.

HSM’s tip: A good night rest will also help you to better prepare to face tomorrow’s challenge. Take it one day at a time.

2. Start processing

Once you have had the opportunity to process what has happened, the next step is to go a bit deeper with your emotions. One thing that alcohol does is to help us avoid fears and emotions. Facing our fear and emotions can be scary and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, in our society, there is often a tendency to consider crying or being sad as a sign of weakness. This goes for both men and women. Quite contrary to common perceptions, tears can be healing. And when you are ready to deal with your emotions, find the right support to help you on your path towards healing. Being in the company of those who love and care for you will serve as a reminder of your sense of worth which can often be hard to keep in mind when processing breakups.

If you feel you can process this in your own time, perhaps schedule in a nice long walk amongst nature and away from your day-to-day scenery or block out a time for yourself and write your experiences down whilst sipping a good cup of tea.

If you do want to work through your feelings, speak to a counsellor or psychologist who can guide you through some techniques to help with this process. Remember that you don’t have to do it alone. There isn’t a ‘set’ timeframe to get over someone – it might look quite different from one person to another, so don’t set a deadline for yourself.

Being in the company of those
who love and care for you will serve as
a reminder of your sense of worth

3. Set goals

One of the things that alcohol does is create a dopamine rush with the first drink that can often provide good feelings and motivation. This hack can trick your brain to give the impression of having a thrill and sense of purpose. But this rush wears off quickly, only to be replaced by those less helpful feelings of tiredness or low motivation.

Setting valued goals would give the same thrill and sense of purpose as we get in order to release the dopamine. This would generate a better long-term benefit than using alcohol. If you find it is a bit too early to start planning goals, it’s worth considering some things that you might like to change or things you’d like to achieve. Combine this with listing one or two things you are thankful for, and you can cultivate a mindset that could be helpful when you are going through a tough time. It can give you encouragement to focus on the big picture, rather than the pain you are in at the present time.

HSM’s tip: If there is a particular day or time that you find difficult, set a new and pleasurable routine around it. This will help you create a new memory while still acknowledging hard times.

When our relationships aren’t going well, or we are dealing with loss, it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and upset – and we also know that, while alcohol can help to make things a bit easier in that moment, it can also be something that intensifies and prolongs our emotional suffering. Taking a step back from this and considering what needs the alcohol is meeting, can be helpful during times like this.

Image © FiledIMAGE – stock.adobe.com

It’s complicated – that’s how many Australian’s describe their relationship between alcohol and sporting events. But others believe it’s time to call last drinks on the excessive supply and selling of alcohol to spectators and patrons, empowering them to say ‘no thanks’ with support.

Increasing public interest has focused on problematic alcohol consumption, binge drinking and the link with aggression at large scale public social such as sporting events.

VicHealth are amongst many organisations who have supported research to assess the concerns and impacts

‘Consuming alcohol in Australia is enmeshed with celebration and cultural traditions. There are certain expectations on how people should behave in certain social settings (particularly for young people), and this can involve the expectation of consuming a certain amount of alcohol.’

And it’s not just the events serving alcohol that raise eyebrows. It’s also the heroes we come to see, and how they respond.

Experts agree that the problems also arise when the spotlight shines on athletes involved in alcohol-related incidents. Our newspapers frequently report on police investigations and court proceedings for alcohol fuelled altercations amongst sport stars.

Research indicates that drinking is unquestionably harmful to athletes themselves.

Sports Dietitian at the Orthopedic Specialty Hospital (TOSH) in Murray, Utah, Claire Siekaniec collected research and studies on the effect of alcohol consumption, prior and after sports ‘Although alcohol may have been viewed as an ergogenic aid in the past (likely for psychological reasons), the scientific evidence shows that alcohol hinders athletic performance, and ingestion prior to training or competition should be avoided’

Siekaniec observed that the effects of alcohol on athletes varies on consumption level, physical nature of the athletes and other relevant demographic variables, but consumption of alcohol for athletes must be avoided.

‘The cumulative effects of binge drinking episodes may leave an athlete unable to perform at the expected or desired level.’

However, it’s not always sporting alcohol altercations that capture national interest.

At the 2022 Australian Tennis Open, recently retired professional tennis player crowned Grand Slam Tennis champion, Ash Barty was handed a beer in a post match interview after being crowned Grand Slam Tennis Champion and public debate erupted.

The tennis champion took one sip of beer during the celebratory interview before placing it down on a desk. The Alcohol and Beverages Advertising Code (ABAC) dismissed complaints, responding that Ash Barty ‘was clearly a moderate and responsible consumer of alcohol,’

However, Barty’s post-match sip of beer drew criticism from many on social media and broadcast talk-back who worried that the offering of alcohol perpetuates its necessity at major events.

Channel 9 television host James Mathison was one of many to called out his very own Network for its ‘glamorisation’ of alcohol after the Australian Open televised incident.

The former Australian Idol presenter James Mathison had a problem with the act and described Australia’s relationship with alcohol as ‘bizarre’.

‘Our glorification and glamorisation of alcohol in this country is normalised to the point where we can’t even celebrate success without booze on live TV’, he shared in a tweet that gained much agreement

Our embedded drinking culture

An international study found that Australian’s have been names some of the heaviest drinker’s in the world

Joyful Sober Youtuber Allison Lassick agrees, saying that ‘The Australian drinking culture is so embedded that people might not even realise the risks.’

She recently interviewed Hello Sunday Morning’s CEO Andy Moore who said that ‘the peer pressure of alcohol consumption combined with coming up against a billion dollar industry whose business model is based on customers means there’s a real conflict in how we manage alcohol as a community’

Does alcohol belong in our sporting events?

There’s no denying that alcohol has long been a form of coping, commiserating or celebrating in our culture. Especially at big gatherings and in sporting moments in history.

One of the more famous scenes in our popular culture is of then Prime Minister Bob Hawke after Australia won the America’s Cup in 1982. His colourful quote ‘Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum’ was delivered amid champagne-soaked celebrations in a cheering crowd.

But, as we grow and mature as event managers and broadcasters of events, our management of alcohol and its presence is becoming increasingly reassessed and part of an emergent sober celebration culture.

An uneasy conversation brings a shift

A quick Google will highlight the numerous articles on this conversation, and media opinions in the aftermath of the Ash Barty beer handover.

But this is a good sign. Australian’s are paying attention and willing to enter into discussion. That’s much better than the issue not being challenged, or mentioned at all.

Society feels more confident in adding an informed voice to questioning the status quo and transforming our drinking culture.

Interested in reading more? You may find these articles of interest:

https://www.vichealth.vic.gov.au/-/media/FundingOpportunities/Alcohol-Cultures/Rural-and-regional.pdf?la=en&hash=53A78AD6AA6B91EF4407A741DC579D7A6ABCE014

Further reports to shed more light on youth drinking https://fare.org.au/driven-to-drink-australian-first-study-sheds-more-light-on-factors-influencing-youth-drinking/

We’d love to continue this conversation – share your thoughts in our blog comments below.

In the first part of Alex’s interview, she shared her own personal journey with sobriety and how she eventually arrived at Hello Sunday Morning to help likeminded people. In this final part of her interview, Alex shares how her lived experience helps provide perspective to help others as a Care Navigator at Hello Sunday Morning. Alex also adds some useful tips to keep us going.

Given your insight into alcohol dependency and making changes, what do you feel you offer the Daybreak community?

I bring my own lived experience as well as my professional insight which is practical and person-centred.

Offering empathy is huge with me. I remember the fear and shame, and what that feels like when you are really trying hard to explore how to change. I can support people to work out alcohol free days and step towards strategies that relate to the different parts of the journey they’re on.

I understand those voices that you carry inside you when you’re processing things.

I like to bring a connection of kindness and a feeling that there is a form of hope for people to move through each stage of their sober curious or sobriety state.

For a lot of people, the biggest thing is ‘Where do I start? How can you help me? How is this time going to be different?’ Those questions can be overwhelming so I’m here to support them and guide them in the right direction, but also reassure them that things are possible. Change involves baby steps and I help them break down those steps, with full insight into the push-pull you feel as someone who has been there themselves, trying to release the grip of alcohol.

Relapses with alcohol can make people
feel like they’ve let themselves down.
I reassure them that they’re accepted here
and that they are fully supported.

Some people ask, ‘Why do I have issues with alcohol, and others don’t?’ we are all affected differently by alcohol, based on life events or even genetics. For some people it’s hard to stop drinking once they start – if you have a compulsion to drink and your blood alcohol reaches a certain amount, it’s like a runaway train.

I bring empathy and knowledge about people’s journeys, and I love people knowing that they have the possibility for recovery.

Do you ever feel triggered to drink after listening to people’s stories in Daybreak?

No. I’m very grateful for where I’m at and where I’ve come from. I’m all about bringing that change for other people, because I’ve been that change for myself.

Relapses with alcohol can make people feel like they’ve let themselves down. I support them and reassure them that they’re accepted here, they’re welcome to talk through the triggers and lean into the different challenges that they experience knowing that they are fully supported – I’ve seen people who come back after years for a check-in saying, ‘I just need to remember what worked for me last time.

What is your favourite part of working with Hello Sunday Morning and interacting with the Daybreak community?

By the time people reach out for help, they’ve already endured so much and have been dealing with their alcohol dependency on their own. Care Navigation can support them to find the best support at the right time.

They can choose to talk to me one-on-one anonymously or they can interact with a pseudonym to talk to others in the community as well. I love that we give them this choice. Supporting new people is always wonderful, as is being there for the regular Daybreak community as they maintain focus.

I’m so energised by reassuring people that they are in the right place, even if they’re not quite sure what strategies, services, or resources they want. I’ll continue to chat with them about what works on a personal level and be a reminder for them to practise self-kindness as well.

I bring empathy and knowledge
about people’s journeys,
and I love people knowing that
they have the possibility for recovery

I love helping people feel they can do this – that they can make the change they want to happen, and that they deserve to feel good and proud of every single step.

Care Navigation is personal support that meets them where they are at. I’ll recommend resources – a book, a podcast or other services and tailor strategies like how to have the conversation with their GP or make sure they book a longer time so that their GP appointment isn’t rushed. There may be other issues that they need to consider and I’m always looking to offer them more holistic support.

Essentially as a Care Navigator you are co-navigating their journey through change. You put yourself in the seat next to them, saying ‘I’ll show you the way, it’s OK – I’ll be that person to help you get towards strategies that work for you.’

What does it mean to you to be a Care Navigator for Hello Sunday Morning?

This role is everything to me because I’ve had a life that could have gone either way. It’s now an alcohol-free life, I’m present for my daughter, have a great job, home and partner. I remember people’s kindness to me in the early days when I was reaching out for support and how helpful and kind they were.

I want to offer that same compassion because even your closest family and friends can’t always help you when you are rock-bottom. It means so much that Care Navigators can offer that in their place with strategies that can work.

Care navigation is about a real human offering support, not a bot!

We use chat messaging to discuss what strategies and steps might be better for the individual, and if that doesn’t work, then we can change it to make it more successful.

Essentially as a Care Navigator, I am co-navigating
people's journey through change.
I put myself in the seat next to them,
saying ‘I'll show you the way,
it's OK – I'll be that person to get you
towards strategies that work for you.’

Do you have any sober mantra’s that you could share with us?

For myself in the beginning my personal mantra was always ‘Whatever happens – don’t pick up (a drink).’ For me one drink would always lead to a second or third, and I didn’t want to go back to where I started, or worse.

For others it is less of a need for a mantra and more of a need for me to reassure them to stay connected, no matter how they feel. I encourage them to just keep monitoring themselves, stay in tune to what is happening and keep talking to others to lean on them for their support and encouragement too.

What are your top tips for starting out when making changes to drinking habits?

It’s really all about a personal pathway to care …

Look after your emotional self
Stay connected with others – talk to people or professionals you trust
Make the change early before things become more tangled and damaging

Care Navigators like Alex are here for you to chat with online when you’re feeling stuck with your drinking goals. Their personalised support makes all the difference in helping you on your journey.

Thanks Alex, for sharing your experiences and insights. We are grateful to Care Navigators like you who provide compassionate and practical support to our community in the Daybreak app.

The Daybreak app is free for all Australian, thanks to the Australian Government support for Hello Sunday Morning. Download the Daybreak app today on Google Play or Apple Store!

Hello!

If you’ve been rethinking your relationship with alcohol and have stumbled across us, or signed up for our updates, we’d love to show you around.

You may be asking who is Hello Sunday Morning?

Well, we’re an Australian based not-for-profit organisation dedicated to helping people who want to change their relationship with alcohol. For over 10 years we’ve been changing the world’s relationship with alcohol, one Sunday at a time.

Here’s how we started out, with reflection from our founder Chris Raine:

And here’s how our story continues today:

Four out of five Australians believe we have a problematic relationship with alcohol that needs to change.

Many of us are looking to experience life without the hangover or making changes to how alcohol features in our lives.

Hello Sunday Morning works with the support of generous partners and like-minded donors and individual givers to support Australian’s changing their relationship with alcohol, whether that relationship means abstaining, taking a break, or simply understanding how to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. We also focus on reducing stigma around not drinking or abstaining as people work through changes.

Have you seen our app?

If you’re abstaining, taking a break, or wanting to learn more about changes to alcohol in your life, say hello to our Daybreak app.

Daybreak is a personalised app that supports people changing their drinking habits, one day at a time. It provides support to anyone wanting to change their relationship with alcohol in an anonymous, safe, and secure environment, with access to Care Navigators and personalised support to help you achieve your goal. Because Daybreak is a digital service, you can access this through your mobile phone and enjoy the company of a supportive online community, anytime, anywhere.

Daybreak app at a glance:

Is a Government funded app that is free for all Australian’s

Members connect to a supportive peer community. That is, people on the same journey sharing compassion, problem-solving, and accountability, helping each other navigate tough times, and keeping each other in check
Provides access to Care Navigators. They can offer personalised care to help you find the most useful support for you right now

Are you looking for more resources and support?

You’re in the right spot.

If you’re looking to learn more through reading and viewing, so are we, and we’re updating our recommendations .Thinking of making your own alcohol-free drinks? Have a look at these recommendations

If you want to know what you stand to gain from quitting or changing your drinking, this list is worth book marking

Did you know that we have a community of folks who share their personal stories?

We are part of a community of people from all walks of life looking to find a balance that works for them. You can meet them, and hear their stories on our blog

Do you have a story to share?

If you’ve changed your lifestyle and removed or reduced alcohol in your life too, we’d love to hear from you. Find out more here.

You don’t have to go it alone when you’re changing your relationship with alcohol. Hello Sunday Morning is happy to keep you company if you decide to quit alcohol or make changes to your life.

We appreciate your support

The team at Hello Sunday Morning genuinely appreciates your support. With over 105k downloads to Daybreak and nearly one hundred thousand newsletter subscribers we love hearing from you and we particularly appreciate your generous support and donations to help even more people and provide vital help to those who need it most.

If you would like to find out more, please click here.

As I wrote this, I am 389 alcohol-free (second time round), I did 402 days AF in 2018 then decided I could moderate.

How wrong was I…? lol

My love of alcohol started very young, I had my first big drinking session at 13 years old and blacked out first time, you would think that would have turned me off, and I so wish this was the case. But alas no, I would become one hell of a wild party girl who despite having children very young (pregnancies and young children were the only time I did not drink) I would always be known as the life of the party.

I was able to balance family life and career, but geez… I could party, I would black out regularly not even knowing how I got home or what I did.

When I think back, I am amazed that I am still here, I put myself in the most dangerous situations on so many occasions.

My 20s and 30s revolved around parenting, career, and drinking. When I separated, I had every second weekend free where I kept my party lifestyle going strong. Days off work due to hangovers were the norm as was blacking out and having major anxiety due to embarrassing myself. This is how I functioned for many, many years.

Fast forward to 2017, I was in my late forties, I had 2 grown up children, 4 beautiful grandchildren and my teenage daughter from my second marriage. I was managing a childcare centre and living life telling myself my drinking was normal and that I did not have a problem.

My son, who was 25 at the time, along with his family, were living with me and my teenage daughter in a regional town in QLD. One day, I had been at the rugby union with a friend where the alcohol was free, I got dropped off home very merry and joined my son in some more drinks. I do not remember much after this until I heard sirens behind us, that’s when I became present again. It was late, and my son was driving, he only had a learner licence at the time, we stopped, got out and both blew high range. We were placed in separate police cars (due to our toxification levels, we were both carrying on like idiots) and taken to the local watch house where we were placed in separate cells for the night.

When we were woken up by the police in the morning, they reminded us of our arrest details, and we were given our court dates. I was then suspended from driving, effective immediately. No surprise there after a reading of nearly legally dead… The shame, humiliation, let alone the hangover from hell. We were both put into the back of the paddy wagon and were driven home to our distressed family. My teenage daughter was disgusted with me and immediately went to a friend’s place for a few days. I went to bed where I stayed for the next 24 hours, never wanting to get up.

My shame and remorse are still with me to this day,
but I am slowly forgiving myself.

I lost my licence for 14 months and was fined $2000. I was spared a conviction as this was the first time I had been in any kind of trouble – a conviction would have lost me my job. I was grateful to the judge for this.

I could not talk about it without crying for nearly a year. My shame and remorse are still with me to this day, but I am slowly forgiving myself.

The week after the arrest, I attended an AA meeting where there were only three of us. They were studying the Big Book, and this was not for me. I would start my days, for the next 10 months, telling myself that I will not drink tonight but would end up heading (walking) to the bottle shop on my way home. The mind games were ongoing and exhausting.

I came across Sexy Sobriety on Facebook and asked my sister to buy me the book titled A Happier Hour by Rebecca Weller for my birthday. This book changed my life, it was like reading my own story. This book gave me the resources to set a date and finally commit to having a break from the drink, my plan was to stop for 3 months.

I downloaded the app, Daybreak which has been one of my most used tools in my alcohol free (AF) journey. I read heaps of books and after getting to three months I decided to keep going. My health improved dramatically (I think all the walking also helped) to the point where I did not need medication for high blood pressure anymore. I felt amazing, I changed my career, my daughter forgave me, and life was pretty good.

I was so in the mindset of: ‘I will never drink again’ then BOOM!. After 400 days, out of nowhere, my mind changed to: ‘I am going to drink again, and I can surely – after this long moderate, not lose the plot’. I did moderate for a few months but then I was slowly ending up blacking out and having benders again. The difference this time was that the hangovers were so much worse than last time. I was getting extremely intoxicated on a minimal amount of alcohol, my body was rejecting the poison big time.

My mindset changed from:
‘I will never drink again
to: ‘I am going to drink again, and I can surely –
after this long moderate, not lose the plot’.
How wrong was I?

I knew that I needed to stop. I had one attempt, where I stopped for 21 days but it did not stick, it was so hard to start at day 1 again.

Last year I set my start date as the 1st of February but because of being so hungover on the 31st of January, that became my day 1. I got back on Daybreak and started doing the work to change my mindset again.

I love living life AF, I have my health back again and I know today that I will not drink. I am sharing part of my story to help my healing as well as to let others know it is possible to change your relationship with alcohol.

Love to all,

Shell xx

Dr Nicole Lee

Specialist alcohol and drug consultant, Adjunct Professor and Hello Sunday Morning Clinical Governance Board member

Nicole is the founder and CEO of 360Edge, a specialist alcohol and other-drug consultancy, and Adjunct Professor at the National Drug Research Institute Curtin University. She also chairs the Clinical Governance Board Committee of Hello Sunday Morning.

Nicole is a member of the Australian National Council on Alcohol and other Drugs, Australia’s key expert advisory council to the Australian Government on drugs, and the board of the Australian drug checking service, The Loop Australia. She’s internationally known for her impactful 30 years of expertise in research, design and implementation of alcohol and other drug policy and practice responses.

Not only that, Nicole’s also a consultant psychologist and Fellow of the Australian Association for Cognitive and Behaviour Therapy, contributing to research that informs decision making.

Jill Stark

Author, mental health advocate and public commentator on anxiety and quitting drinking

Jill Stark’s hard-won lessons from a life-long struggle with anxiety offer hope and connection to anyone doing it tough. Jill’s book ‘When You’re Not OK‘ and her blog documents her pathways from worrier to warrior, highlighting the realities and victories she experienced in giving up alcohol and encouraging others to do so. You can read Jill’s story here.

Shanna Whan

CEO and founder, Sober in the Country

Countless people in regional areas have been encouraged to take a look at their relationship with alcohol thanks to the efforts of Shanna Whan, Australian of the Year Local Hero for 2022. After struggling with alcohol addiction, Shanna founded grassroots charity, Sober in the Country to help others on a similar path.

Yumi Stynes

Podcast host, author, TV and radio presenter

Yumi Stynes is an Australian television and radio presenter, podcaster and author living in Sydney. She is the co-host of KIIS FM’s 3PM Pick-Up radio show and presenter of the ABC Radio podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk about female health and sexuality. Yumi regularly shares her story about her changing relationship with alcohol.

Dominique Robert-Hendren

Dominique Robert-Hendren is a leader in mental health strategy and innovation. With her background as the National Mental Health Programs and Services Director for Australia’s largest private health care organisation, Dominique was pivotal in leading innovative models of care, establishing digital telehealth services and award winning mental health programs.

In recent times she has been a respected member of the COVID-19 Response and Restart Team, overseeing Employee Mental Health and Wellbeing Strategic Framework for Frontline Workers and Executive Leaders.

In her role as a Mental Health Executive for Hello Sunday Morning, Dominique heads the digital health innovation strategy, research and new models of care. She is also Chief Clinical Psychologist and a psychology board-approved supervisor. Dominique’s expertise has been instrumental in producing vital evidence-based resources for the community at large like:

My sober toolbox

Mental Health Month
Calendar of Care

Coping with Pandemic Fatigue

Australian women, everywhere, inspiring change

Women like Lucy Bloom (Author and motivational speaker), Andy Quin (co-founder of ETCH Sparkling), and Kerrie Atherton have given other’s courage to make changes as well.

Every week on our social media we share a Hero of the Week.

Many are women who have made the decision to change their relationship with alcohol, and graciously share their struggles and wins along the way. Through Hero of the Week stories, others can discover what they stand to gain through reassessing, reducing, or quitting drinking.

Check out more stories here and don’t forget to share a message of support to a woman you admire this week too!

Let’s hear it for the girls and the collective social, economic, cultural, health and political achievements that women have made possible across the world.

When you decide to quit alcohol, there are a lot of aspects of your life that can be affected by these changes. After all, it is a lifestyle alteration. You may find some challenges within your circle of relationships, when making choices about activities to undertake or even when setting your boundaries with low-alcohol beverages and food that contains alcohol. In this part of the FAQs series we cover some of the day-to-day challenges and questions that often come up within the early stages of your decision to make changes to your drinking habits.

How to manage any existing relationships and friendships that have traditionally revolved around alcohol.

People often hesitate to make a change in their drinking habits, scared of losing or altering friendships and relationships. This is understandable, after all, our connections and our community are what give us a sense of belonging. It is important to acknowledge your feelings of fear. However, it does not mean that you should expect these relationships to deteriorate. Perhaps using these suggestions might help manage your relationships:

Be direct – it is a good idea to explain the reasoning behind your decision to change your drinking habits and the changes that you might be planning (e.g. ‘I’m going to have three alcohol-free days a week’, ‘I’m going to take a break from alcohol for 3 months’). Communicate how your partner and friends can be supportive to you.
Check in – plan a follow-up conversation with your loved ones. As with the initial conversation, provide a safe space for your friends to express how they feel so far.
Brainstorm alternative activities – while you won’t be doing date night with happy hour anymore, there are other activities that you and your partner can enjoy – why not brainstorm together? How about cooking or dancing classes, or make a new tradition of a Sunday morning hike, choosing new locations to try each week?

At the end of the day, communicate to your loved ones that it is not about their relationship with you, but rather your own relationship with alcohol.

What are replacement behaviours?

A replacement behaviour is essentially a behaviour that replaces your usual habit. In the case of a drinking habit, using a replacement behaviour is the act of doing something else to stop your own personal pattern of drinking. For example, instead of drinking alcohol at 5 pm after work, or when the kids are out of the house, a replacement behaviour would be setting up an activity to do at that particular time, instead of your usual drinking habit. It could be doing a workout or a run, cooking a nice meal for dinner, or calling a friend.

See some tips for replacement behaviours here.

How much alcohol is left in a cooked meal?

The ethanol boiling point is at 78.37° Celsius. There are a few opinions around the amount of alcohol left during cooking. For instance, according to this standard from the USDA (scroll through page 14), the amount of alcohol cooked out at the boiling point for 15 mins with a stirring method, is 75%. The remaining amount will then continue to decrease to 5% if stirred for another 2.5 hours. Other opinions state that many factors could contribute to alcohol retention. Such as the diameter of the pan, ingredients added and cooking technique – whether it is stirred, simmered, covered or uncovered, could affect the retention of the alcohol. In short, there is no ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to whether or not all the alcohol burns off during cooking.

If you would like to read more on this topic, see our blog about alcohol and food.

What is de-alcoholisation? Is it really safe to drink zero alcohol beer?

De-alcoholisation is a process to remove alcohol from fermented beverages prior to bottling. It’s a process to make low- to zero alcohol beverages.

There are a few ways to remove alcohol from beer. Some well-known methods are: through the boiling or heating process, vacuum distillation and using a specialised strain of yeast that stops fermenting once the environment reaches a certain ABV – usually 0.5 ABV which is classified as low alcohol in Food Standard Australia New Zealand guidelines for beverage labelling.

Warning: For some, drinking low- to zero alcohol beverages can still be triggering. Each of our relationships with alcohol is unique. It is important to note what triggers you and what you are ok with. Seek advice from a GP to help determine what would be helpful for you and your specific health needs.

What are the stages in change

If each of our journeys to a healthy relationship with alcohol is unique, what are the stages in personal change? Which stage are you in right now? Understanding this will help, not only yourself, but also others whom you wish to support in the future.

Pre-contemplation – known as the early stage. When someone is using alcohol and not really wanting to make any changes. In this stage, people often see more ‘pros’ to alcohol use than ‘cons’.

Contemplation – a stage where a person starts to think about change. Perhaps someone has noticed health issues or other negative implications that come with drinking. The ‘pros’ & ‘cons’ are shifting, but there are enough ‘reasons’ to keep drinking, so change doesn’t happen yet.

Ambivalence – is a crossroads stage. Someone might be aware of the ‘benefits’ of drinking, as well as the ‘costs’. This is where a person will describe really enjoying some of the aspects of drinking but also may be struggling with the negatives of drinking regularly, or in high volumes. This is where they may make the decision about whether to change.

Preparation – a stage where a person has decided to make a change and they are going through the process of getting ready. Sometimes preparation can be so daunting and can cause a person to slip back into ambivalence or contemplation, especially if help isn’t available. This may change a bit later on when there is more support.

Action – is the stage where someone is ready to make a change and has taken action to do so. They have moved through the process of change to get to the point where they are invested in the process. For many, this is an interesting time, as so much can change – they are making changes to their wellbeing, as well as alcohol consumption (e.g. cutting back, AF days, or longer periods of time without alcohol).

Maintenance – for many people, they will have arrived at their ‘ideal’ relationship with alcohol – whether that be total abstinence, a reduction of drinks per week, the institution of regular alcohol–free days, or even a safety plan for ‘risky’ drinking situations. It is called the maintenance phase because, just like with any behavioural change, it does require maintenance.

Read more about stages in reducing alcohol here.

‘I was so ashamed – I had a secret life going on. I was the perfect secretive drinker. No-one seemed to approach me, and I wish they had. I would have appreciated that.’

Leonie

Talking to a family member, friend, or colleague about their relationship with alcohol might feel overwhelming or intimidating. It’s understandable that you would be anxious about offending someone, or inflaming a sensitive situation. But if you feel it’s time to start a discussion about the drinking habits of someone you care about, you’re taking a helpful step in supporting them through change.

According to the Alcohol and Drug Foundation one in eight Australians has been drinking every day since the pandemic began last year. While the last few years have tested us all, understanding the effects of alcohol and associated risks of constantly drinking, as well as assessing reasons for drinking, is a vital check-in for us all. Talking to someone about their drinking and its risks to their health, and relationships, could bring them a step closer to their decision to ease up or quit altogether.

Getting ready for the conversation

If you’re impacted by someone’s drinking, or worry about their habits, you might want to read up on how to best assess if they would be open to change, and how to prepare to approach them.

Helping family & friends

General tips if you are concerned about someone's drinking

This kind of talk takes courage.

It might be difficult for you to express how you’re feeling or your concerns when you’re starting the conversation. Before you start it’s helpful to pick your moment and the location.

Our Hello Sunday Morning health coaches advise that it’s important to offer a non-judgemental listening ear to enable them to talk about their experiences, how they’re feeling and if they feel ready for change. This kind of talk is best when they feel calm, safe and are not under the influence of alcohol.

Leonie’s desire to change her relationship with alcohol became stronger when she connected with a friend who provided her with a safe and respectful space to talk through her experiences.

‘She held that space for me and gave me the chance to tell my story. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her.’

Listening, and helping your friend or family member to recognise risky habits in their relationship with alcohol can help loved ones make powerful progress. But it often starts with reaching out and talking first.

Before you have the talk:

Prepare for the chat. Educate yourself – arm yourself with facts about possible risks and triggers. Knowing key alcohol facts and the short-term and long-term risks might be useful in presenting your concerns. Review and reflect on any observations or experiences you have encountered. Evaluate your own behaviours and attitudes about alcohol. Be aware of the Stages In Change which might help you to understand where they are at, and assist in setting expectations about the talk.
Check-in on their circumstance. Assess and understand their situation. There are many reasons why a person may have started to drink excessively, such as dealing with sadness, stress or mental illness impacts.
Make it a safe and open talk about alcohol. Make it a non-judgemental conversation and ask open-ended questions. Think about your body language and tone of voice. Even if you do not understand your friend’s point of view, or reasons for drinking, try to be understanding. Take emotion out of your conversation and avoid being confrontational. Be ready to listen and be prepared to be patient.
Discuss perceptions of alcohol. Encourage your friend or family member to talk about their thoughts on alcohol and help them to process their own relationship with alcohol.
Refer to professional help. It’s important that while we love and care for them, we aren’t necessarily equipped to help them.
Ask how you can support your friend / family member’s alcohol consumption. Offer to be a trusted person they can check-in or socialise with while they make changes.

There’s no right way to start the conversation, but make sure you listen to your friend, be thoughtful and genuine. These talking tips may help:

‘I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling tired lately, are you OK?’

‘I know you’ve gone through a difficult time lately; I just want to see how you are holding up and if you have ways to cope?’

‘I want to talk about something that’s been worrying me recently, is there a good time we can chat?’

It takes strength to have these conversations, but there are many positive flow-on effects and you may build a stronger relationship with someone special.

Calling on professional support

Our Hello Sunday Morning health coaches remind us that abstaining or moderating takes commitment and support from professionals, as well as loved ones.

You may remember Sarah’s story. Sarah wanted to quit drinking to rebuild a relationship with herself. As well as seeking support from friends, she turned to the Daybreak app to share with others facing similar challenges.

If you’re looking for focussed help to chat with someone about their risky relationship with alcohol, you may find the following support helpful:

Health Direct

Family Drug Support Australia

Small changes start with conversations that show you care.

Many people are initially not interested in changing the way they drink. It takes time, adjustment, and support.

In this series of Tips and Hacks, we’ll be covering how to change your relationship with alcohol – from the perspective of an expert. As a psychologist who also works as an alcohol counsellor, I’ve picked up some useful knowledge about what really works – particularly when you’re taking those first steps towards change.

So let’s get started:

1. Reflect on the role alcohol is playing for you right now

Nobody drinks alcohol ‘just because’ – the downsides of drinking, like the cost on our body and finances, among other things, are too great. For everyone who is wanting to change their relationship with alcohol, the first step needs to be considering what it is actually being used for. Perhaps you’re using alcohol to regulate your emotions, because you’re too exhausted to use other methods right now. Perhaps it is helping you to escape yourself for a few hours in the evening, or being used to dull down anxiety or loneliness. As difficult as it may be, it’ worthwhile really getting to the core of what alcohol is doing for you, and why it has remained in your life, despite the costs.

2. Consider your ideal relationship with alcohol

The next step – once you’ve identified the role alcohol is playing for you – is to consider the role you’d like it to play. This is different for everyone – for some people, no relationship with alcohol is the safest option – whereas for others, occasional or situational use might work really well. When you’re considering what your ideal relationship looks like, think big – even if you don’t feel it is possible right now, just consider what it would look like in your ideal world.

3. Set Goals

The next step is to move the needle a bit towards that big ‘ideal relationship with alcohol’ – but don’t worry, we want to start small. Making minor changes to your behaviour is way more sustainable than big, life-altering ones, and it gives us space to be curious. Your goal might be to not keep alcohol in the house, and only drink when out with friends, or perhaps it is to drink a big glass of water when you finish a glass of wine.

The key is that you’re switching up your behaviour to move towards lower-risk drinking – bit by bit.

4. Self-Monitor

Self-monitoring is an amazing intervention in itself, even though it is often used as just a way to keep track. Once you’ve started this process, make an effort to keep track of your alcohol consumption and look at this at least once a week. You might want to set goals for yourself for a certain number of drinks per week, and, if you really want to get nerdy, represent this on a graph so you can see the numbers dropping. This is really motivating, and recording each thing you drink also keeps it at the forefront of your mind.

5. Be kind to yourself

During this process you might also need to remind yourself that, yes, you are human, and sometimes change doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like. It is important to be curious about urges and triggers when you start on this journey, as well as the situations that didn’t quite go to plan. Taking a growth mindset with change – as in, trying to figure out what went wrong so we can do better next time – is likely to result in better outcomes than beating ourselves up. Changing your relationship with alcohol is a marathon rather than a sprint, so make sure you set yourself realistic goals for where you are right now.

Changing your relationship with alcohol doesn’t have to be drastic or involve huge changes to your lifestyle – it is more about figuring out what is going to work for you.